Pregnancy Loss and Future Hopes

I've been dreading today since last December.  This week has been an inevitable countdown to this day.  Today was our due date for the baby we lost last December.  It was painful then.  It's painful still.

 

After trying for so many months to get pregnant, Joe and I found out in November that our time had come.  We were going to be having baby number 2 and we were both so overjoyed at that news.  Like most moms, I immediately started looking around online for baby things, pregnancy topics to catch up on, and daydreaming about life with this little one.  I set up my first ob appointment and was counting down the weeks and days until that first checkup.  There's no other way to explain it - we were excited.

 

Troubling Times

I'll never forget the dream I had the night of December 8th.  I dreamt that our sweet little baby died and I miscarried at home.  I remember crying hysterically and saying over and over to Joe while looking at that little baby, "We can't let go. It's not fair! We can't let go!" I remember Joe scooping up the little body and asking me if I at least wanted to know what it was.  I told him "I know it's a girl", and he responded, "It's a boy."  End of dream.

 

The morning of December 9th I woke up in relief that it was only a dream and went to make eggs for breakfast.  I cracked the first egg open and nearly had a panic attack when I saw a huge amount of blood inside the egg.  First off, I am not superstitious, but this bothered me that I panic texted Joe about it.

 

By December 17th, I was starting feel exceptionally well.  Whatever little bit of morning sickness I had was easing up.  I thought nothing of it since I only had a very short and light case of morning sickness with Conner.  I would soon realize that it should have been a red flag.  On one of my bathroom stops that day I found blood.  I began to panic but I kept reminding myself that so many women experience random light bleeding in the first trimester and it turns out to be nothing at all.  In fact, that happened to my sister, so I calmed myself down and decided to just keep a close eye on it.

 

It ended up stopping for the night and next morning, but by the afternoon, there was more.  Trying my hardest to stay calm, I called and talked to my doctor.  He didn't sound comfortable with what was going on and had me come in.  I called Joe immediately and he met me at the doctor's office where they did an ultrasound. 

 

I held my breath the whole time just waiting to see a heartbeat. nothing. The doctor explained to me that it's possible that our dates are off and that it still may be a little too soon to get a heartbeat.  It was decided that my hcg levels would be checked that day and again on Saturday morning to see what is going on.  I had my blood drawn that day and then again on Saturday.  I was a wreck with fear and anxiety and the desperate hope that everything will still be okay.

 

So on Saturday December 21st, my doctor got my results and called me right away.  My levels had dropped.  He continued to talk me through everything and what to expect next as I fought back the sobs.  This baby was gone, and I could do nothing to save it.  It ripped my heart apart.

 

We were supposed to be making the announcement to our families over Christmas.  Instead with uncontrollable crying, I was left to tell my mom over the phone what happened.

 

I thank God for quick timing between finding out the news of losing the baby and going through with the actual miscarriage.  It happened the next day.  I did not want to give up my baby, but it brought a certain kind of closure that was needed.  It was the most emotionally hard thing I have ever gone through and the pain is still real to this day.  The dream I had just two weeks before played out in real life.  I remember laying in the bathroom crying to Joe, "I can't let go".

 

My mom had spared me the painful task of telling my brother and sister.  I received a call from both Jenny and Sheri that Monday and we cried together.  The pain was real for everyone.  That baby wasn't just ours.  It was also their little niece or nephew too.  Jenny gave me advice to just take one minute at a time.  Don't even try to take it a day at time - just one minute.  Get through the next minute.  She also made a comment that when she's at hardships in her own life, she writes messages.  Whatever it is that gets her through to the next minute.

 

I took to that bit of advice.  I wrote the only thing that could come to mind.  I wrote a letter to my little babe.  It is posted below.  I don't normally share things like this, but in this situation, it was good for me to share it with my family.  And if someone who is going through the same pain reads this, I hope it helps her too.

 



My Little Baby,

 

Last week I was pregnant.  Last week I was filled with a joy that could not be contained by words.  Last week I had dreams of welcoming you into this world.  To hold you. To kiss you.  To memorize your little face and count your tiny toes.  Last week I imagined you smiling for the first time and your laughter filling our home.  Last week I pictured you playing with your older brother.  Last week I envisioned who you would look like and what your personality would be.  Last week I dreamed of rocking you to sleep and seeing you smile at me one last time before closing your eyes.  Last week.

 

This week I lost you.  This week my joy turned to a pain so deep that words cannot describe the emptiness.  This week my dreams of welcoming you were replaced with hurtful goodbyes before ever saying hello.  This week I could not save you.  This week I'll be spending Christmas without you instead of announcing your arrival.  This week I will dream of what could have been and come back to the realization that these dreams will never come true.  This week I will continue to feel the pain of never holding you, watching you, smelling you or hearing you.  Someday I will but not this week.

 

Next week I will not forget you.  Next week will bring new hope that I can go on even though you went away.  Next week I will continue to love you in my heart and still wish you were here.  Next week the pain of never seeing you open your eyes for the first time will be replaced with know that the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes was Jesus.  Next week I will dream of you running and smiling and your laughter filling Heaven.  Next week I will imagine finally getting to meet you and holding you close for eternity.  Next week I will know that even though I could not welcome you home, you will be there to welcome me home someday.  I dream of someday.

 

I love you with all my heart - every broken piece of it.  And I'm okay that you stole a part of my heart when you went away.  It was yours to begin with.

 

I love you,

Mommy

 



We were shown grace less than three months later with another little life preparing to make his or her way into our hearts.  This pregnancy started off the same as our last.  Bleeding and crying out to God that he spare us this life.  That this little baby can survive the odds with our diminishing hope from what we just went through.  And we have been graciously spared.

 

With everything falling apart the same way it had with our last pregnancy, I quickly met with my doctor and had my blood drawn to check my hcg level.  This time, I felt calm and at peace and a hope that everything will be okay. 

 

And it was.  My hcg levels were so high based on how far along I was that my doctor decided to skip a second hcg test and just perform an ultrasound.  And this time, with Joe, Conner and myself in the ultrasound room, we saw that little heart beating away.

 

It has taken me a long time to feel excited about this baby.  I felt that if I were excited about this one, then it would seem like I just got over the last one we lost.  That's no longer the case.  I will never be over the loss of our baby or feel like I am replacing him or her.  Knowing that and reminding myself of that has been what's freed me to be excited about this little baby kicking, squirming, and hiccupping inside me.  I can now daydream non-stop about holding this babe, seeing that first smile, that first laugh, and watching Conner grow into his role as older brother.

 

I still have bad days where I break down and cry over the loss of our baby.  During one of these days a few months ago, I talked to Joe about how much I miss that little baby and how badly I still want it.  Joe put everything into perspective when he told me that his mom never had the chance to hold Conner nor will she with any of our kids, but she's holding our little one that we could not for us.  Sometimes that man knows exactly what needs to be said.

 

I anticipate this day and December 22nd to always be hard days to get through, and that's okay.  It means that I loved that little baby so much that I will never forget.  And I will always be thankful for the baby we'll be meeting this November because without that loss, we will never get to meet this little one.

 

"How lucky am I to have something so special that it makes saying goodbye so hard."